Topic: Brit Humour for Johnboy

[RC51_dude]

And Uberchuckie...

My Blackberry Is Not Working! - The One Ronnie, Preview - BBC One

[Bike-A-Holic]

Here's some more British Humour for you.  These British Health & Safety Rules are ridiculous, but true.
The sad part is Canada isn't far behind in this sort of bureaucracy...

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/world/safety/4022159/story.html


A year ago, David Cameron -- then Britain's opposition leader -- pledged to end the absurdity of health and safety laws that were making the country a laughing stock. Giving examples, he said it was wrong to ban scissors in the classroom when hairdressing was being taught, or for railway staff to refuse to help a young mother carry her son's stroller because they were not insured. This year, as Prime Minister, he ordered a review of the legislation. In a draft review last month, Lord Young, a Tory peer, trumpeted that common sense should be used more often in the application of health and safety rules. But as this year -- and even this month -- has shown, common sense is not something that often shows up when the 'elf and safety' laws, as they have been dubbed by the British media, are applied.

CRACKDOWN ON CHEAP TREES FOR GOVERNMENT

With Britain in dire straits, George Osborne, pictured, the government finance minister, vowed to save the country some money by ditching the usual £875 ($1,364) spent on a Christmas tree for his official residence. The chancellor said he intended to buy one for about £40 ($62) instead. However, his efforts were thwarted by health and safety rules. A government official said the department's building suppliers would refuse to decorate the tree and water it, nor would they hand over a ladder for anyone else to do the job, the Daily Mail reported. The Treasury's permanent secretary, Sir Nicholas Macpherson, said the department was obliged to get its tree from its official supplier, Exchequer Partnerships, whose catalogue "had a choice of Hollyday, Indulgence, Enchantment, Icicle, or Decadence trees, or bespoke tailor-made trees, from £130 to £875." He said Exchequer Partnerships [EP] warned it would not help water "an off-contract tree" and there were concerns about "how would we decorate the tree -- EP are not obliged to lend us a ladder." Sir Nicholas added the supplier "also pointed out that they might have to do various health and safety tests on the tree and its decorations, which they would need to charge us for." There were also concerns about who would buy an "off-contract tree," how it would get into the building, and who would dispose of it. Eventually, Exchequer Partnerships donated a free tree. Mr. Osborne told the paper, "We couldn't overcome the health and safety rules. So in the end, the permanent secretary had to put the star on top because he was the only person in the building cleared to do it. Unfortunately, Exchequer Partnerships wouldn't provide us with a ladder, so the permanent secretary had to get a chair from his office and stand on the chair."

LEAVE THOSE LIGHTS ALONE!

For the last 10 years, Ian and Linda Cameron have lit up the top floor of their Brighton high-rise building with a display of festive lights. Now they've been ordered to stop. "A woman from the housing office called me at home and told me to take them down immediately," Ms. Cameron told The Daily Telegraph. "I was quite upset because she talked to me like I was some kind of criminal. I asked why and she simply said, 'Health and Safety.' Have they got nothing better to worry about?" Last summer tenants in the block were ordered to remove doormats from corridors because they were considered a fire risk.

IF YOU CAN'T FLOAT, WE CAN'T HELP YOU

Sarah Swain, a nervous swimmer, reached for a flotation device at a swimming pool in Berkshire, west of London, only to be told they were banned for safety reasons. "Being a non-swimmer, the first thing I did was look for a float," said Ms. Swain. She said she saw some in a cupboard, but when she went to get one, she was stopped by the lifeguard. "He was terribly apologetic but said I couldn't have one for health and safety reasons. When I asked him why, he said the company had banned them from handing them out because a small child almost choked on one," The Daily Telegraph reported. A spokesman for the pool said flotation aids were only available during supervised swimming lessons. National Post

YOU WANT ID? YOU MUST BE CRACKERS

The organization representing Britain's retail stores was outraged this month to learn cashiers could face up to six months in prison for selling Christmas crackers to people under 16. Under European Union regulations passed in the summer, crackers are classified as low-grade fireworks and can only be sold to those over the age of 16. Jane Bevis, director of public affairs at the British Retail Consortium, said, "Busy shoppers with a lot on their minds will be understandably frustrated if they are asked to provide ID to buy a box of Christmas crackers. It's the health and safety rules which have gone crackers, and not retailers themselves." Conservative MP Michael Ellis raised the issue in the House of Commons, saying health and safety legislation had reached "dizzying heights." He asked the prime minister, "Will you put a firework up their health and safety legislation?" Mr. Cameron replied, "That would give me enormous pleasure and I look forward to doing so."

32 -PAGE ASSESSMENT TO PUT UP ONE TREE

In Essex, the chamber of trade in Coggeshall had to fill out a 32-page risk assessment to get permission to put up a Christmas tree. The tree had stood on the same spot for 25 years. Nonetheless, the required documentation included a map of its position, a diagram showing the exact siting of lights on the tree and full details of any proposed road closures or diversions. The highways department also insisted on a letter being sent to all residents likely to be affected, plus a certificate of public liability insurance. The area's MP, Priti Patel, brought up the matter in the House of Commons, asking the government to ensure "the over-zealous bureaucrats at the highways department do not kill Christmas in Coggeshall," the Essex County Standard reported.

BARRED FROM THE BAR BECAUSE OF HER BERET

Shirley Phelan, a 77-year-old grandmother, was barred from a pub in Bayswater, London, because she wouldn't take off her beret. The owners of the Prince Alfred pub say they have a no-hats policy to make sure everyone can been seen on closed-circuit television. "There was no sign anywhere saying 'no hats' and I couldn't understand why they wouldn't let me keep my hat on," said Ms. Phelan, who worked for Norman Hartnell, the Queen's former dressmaker. "They should be able to use discretion for someone my age. I don't think I look like a terrorist." Her daughter Maria told the Evening Standard, "I never thought that at 55 I would be thrown out of a pub with my 77-year-old mother because of a beret."

OH, JUST LET THEM STAY INSIDE. MUCH SAFER

Playing games in the dark can be a costly business after Britain's Court of Appeal ruled against the Scouts Association. The court upheld a £7,000 [$10,900] compensation payout to a former scout who was injured during a game called Objects in the Dark. The Scouts Association had urged the court to overturn the award, The Daily Telegraph reported on Tuesday, arguing it would make it harder to draw youngsters away from computer screens and televisions. The court disagreed and upheld the award. However, in a dissenting ruling, Lord Justice Jackson said it was not the function of the law "to eliminate every iota of risk or to stamp out socially desirable activities."

LOLLIPOP MAN BANNED FROM ROAD

Ron Warrick, a road crossing warden -- they call them "lollipop men" in Britain because of the poles -- was banned this month from going into the road to help children cross because it was too dangerous. Council chiefs in Essex feared if Mr. Warrick started to help children cross at a pedestrian crossing when the light was red, he would not be able to make it safely back to the curb when it changed to green. An unnamed mother was quoted by the Daily Express as saying, "It's absolutely bonkers. Whoever heard of a lollipop man who cannot go into the road? It's like the punch-line to some ridiculous joke. If the council think it's too dangerous for Ron to cross the road, then why on earth do they think it's safe enough for our children to go across there?"

BUBBLE WRAP

A health and safety inspector sat in on a school game of dodgeball played with a soft sponge ball. The killjoy official scribbled down notes from the sidelines as students played the traditional game at the after-school club at Loudoun Montgomery Primary, Scotland. Council bosses later defended the move, claiming it was the law that "any new activity" was risk assessed. But stunned parents slammed the inspector's visit as over the top and claimed the game was nothing more than harmless fun. "Dodgeball has been a played in schools for years without the need for this kind of thing," one dad told the Irvine Herald. "At this rate, it won't be long until they're bubble-wrapping pupils."

[johnboy]

Thanks Dude very funny